What to Do When Your Dad Dies: The Pressure Nobody Warns You About | Dead Dads Podcast | Grief Support for Men

0:00 Speaker 0: Maybe that's a bit of advice is no matter if you have time or Speaker 0: not in the passing of your parent, never trust them by Speaker 0: what they're saying. Speaker 0: Dig a little bit deeper because he's like, oh, I've I've cleaned up all Speaker 0: my finances, and I've cleaned up all the passwords to all the different accounts Speaker 0: that he has. Speaker 0: And to be honest, Speaker 0: no. Speaker 1: Losing your dad sucks, but talking about it doesn't have to. Speaker 2: We are not therapists professionally. Speaker 2: We may like to think we are, but we are not. Speaker 1: We give really good advice though. Speaker 1: Mhmm. Speaker 1: Just not medically or therapeutically.

0:41 Speaker 1: Although if you do feel better after it, that's okay. Speaker 1: You can still you can still listen to us. Speaker 2: But we will bill you for that. Speaker 2: We're also not doctors. Speaker 1: That's true. Speaker 1: We're definitely not doctors. Speaker 1: I once was a doctor, but then was immediately removed from Speaker 1: doctor status. Speaker 2: You just had a lab coat on. Speaker 2: Like, that's not a doctor. Speaker 1: That that was the problem. Speaker 1: Enjoy the next episode of Dead Dads. Speaker 1: So, Scott, we have a new guest today. Speaker 1: Wonder if you can introduce him. Speaker 2: Yes. Speaker 2: I absolutely can. Speaker 2: Thank you very much, Roger. Speaker 2: This is Blair French. Speaker 1: Hey, Blair. Speaker 1: Welcome to Dead Dads. Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. Speaker 2: So I'll admit to knowing Blair in advance already. Speaker 2: I feel like it's a it's a secret sometimes, but I do Blair were Speaker 2: and I worked together. Speaker 2: I would say oh, I don't wanna age us, actually.

1:23 Speaker 2: So I would say we worked together not yesterday, Speaker 0: but a little while ago. Speaker 0: When we were a little younger. Speaker 2: We were a little younger. Speaker 2: We still look the same, but we were a little younger. Speaker 1: So, Blair, I have to start by asking, like, why would you decide to Speaker 1: come on a show like this? Speaker 0: You know what? Speaker 0: I saw Scott's post on LinkedIn, and Speaker 0: it had been about three years since my dad had passed. Speaker 0: And I felt like I had gone through some highs, some lows, some Speaker 0: good times, some bad times, and I thought it was a great opportunity to Speaker 0: share some of my experience because I think we don't talk about it. Speaker 0: And that is really as soon I think I probably messaged you within thirty Speaker 0: seconds of that post going up.

2:03 Speaker 0: I'm neurotic. Speaker 1: The infamous the infamous LinkedIn post. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: And I was like, I'm in. Speaker 0: I'm in. Speaker 0: What do I need to do to get on this this podcast? Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 1: Love it. Speaker 1: Love it. Speaker 1: So, you know, one of the Speaker 2: I played it cool. Speaker 2: You did. Speaker 2: I played it cool. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 2: Love it. Speaker 2: Hard to get. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: You know, one of the core kinda quirky things we like to do to Speaker 1: start off all of our episodes to learn more about you is to ask Speaker 1: kind of a, you know, random question. Speaker 1: So the question I wanna know is, at the end of the day, you Speaker 1: know, let's say you've had a bit of a stressful day, what is your Speaker 1: go to comfort, rewatch or listen, or what's Speaker 1: the sort of consumption around media that you that you just have to Speaker 1: do? Speaker 0: My outlet is my eight year old, and I get into the play mode.

2:43 Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: Because I love relearning and being reintroduced to Speaker 0: so many things that I loved as a child through him. Speaker 0: And it's a complete decompression. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: Sitting down and getting on the floor and playing LEGO or reading Speaker 0: a book with him, there's just every kinda pain point, every Speaker 0: stress just kinda floats out the window for me. Speaker 1: Did you go through the dinosaur phase or the, like, space phase? Speaker 1: Or Speaker 0: So it's the dragon phase right now and three d printed Speaker 0: dragons with eggs, the collection that we have. Speaker 0: And then we step on them and break them. Speaker 1: You're a three d printer family. Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: We buy them. Speaker 0: We buy them. Speaker 0: We do not have one, or I should say grandma buys them.

3:23 Speaker 0: So Love it. Speaker 0: But that's what I it's like the media, I feel like, is a little Speaker 0: bit of a pit, right, to try to escape, whereas the the view Speaker 0: of the eight year old really does get you back to, like, those best Speaker 0: times of your memories. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: It's one Speaker 2: of the best parts about having a kid is playing again. Speaker 2: I mean, I was a huge LEGO fan as a kid, and the fact Speaker 2: that we can do that again, I'm like, sure. Speaker 2: I mean, I'll buy some more LEGO. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Sure. Speaker 2: If if you want it. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Adult LEGO. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 1: My son and I have gotten into model building. Speaker 1: Okay. Speaker 1: Like, remember the little plastic you know, the plastic, like, army tanks? Speaker 1: And drives my wife crazy because all of a sudden our house has army Speaker 1: tanks in them. Speaker 1: We're not really a military family, but we all of a sudden have tanks Speaker 1: in the living room, tanks on the windowsill.

4:04 Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 1: So that's been fun. Speaker 1: But then we started getting into these, like, Japanese kind of, like, almost like Speaker 1: transformers, but you put them together without glue, and it's, like, it's super cool. Speaker 2: It's fun. Speaker 2: Honestly, you guys have to do a Playdate because there's so many directions. Speaker 0: I was like, yeah. Speaker 0: I was like, I need to up my game. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: I don't want a Playdate because then Ollie will be like, well, why are Speaker 0: you slacking at the the toy department? Speaker 2: Exactly. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 1: So but, you know, we wanna learn as much about your your dad Speaker 1: as possible. Speaker 1: Tell us all about him. Speaker 2: What was his yeah. Speaker 2: What was his full name? Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Well, he goes by Bob French or Robert French. Speaker 0: He born and raised in Vancouver. Speaker 0: Actually, worked in the cannery here in Vancouver all through school, graduated Speaker 0: UBC, and he was a quintessential Speaker 0: accountant.

4:52 Speaker 0: My mom went on a blind date. Speaker 0: That's how they met. Speaker 0: And she came home from that date and was like, I can't. Speaker 0: I can't. Speaker 0: Because my mom was a hippie flower child party girl, and she's like, he's Speaker 0: so square. Speaker 0: That's what she always used to describe my dad. Speaker 0: And I'm like, that is pretty much what he was, square. Speaker 0: And an accountant, very, like, frugal and fiscally responsible, Speaker 0: but he hounded but he also understood, like, diligence and hard Speaker 0: work. Speaker 0: And he hounded my mom. Speaker 0: And finally, my mom's mom was like, just give him a chance, another chance. Speaker 0: And, Speaker 0: he won. Speaker 0: And he often did. Speaker 0: He often won by perseverance and persistence. Speaker 0: He offered her. Speaker 0: Yeah.

5:32 Speaker 0: There we go. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: He he had a spreadsheet, everything that she Speaker 2: said. Speaker 2: What works for us? Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Exactly. Speaker 0: So he's always been that kinda stability, I would Speaker 0: say, with regards to me growing up with him. Speaker 0: But he always had that level of hard work, and Speaker 0: I think he had a love for Vancouver and a Speaker 0: love for BC. Speaker 0: And then we he moved out to Hope for a really great job Speaker 0: and and really kinda was a part owner of a big construction firm. Speaker 0: So now I caveat with, yes, he Speaker 0: was an accountant, but what he was known for was just out of the Speaker 0: blue zingers.

6:14 Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: We'd all be sitting. Speaker 0: My mom's loud. Speaker 0: I'm loud. Speaker 0: My sister's loud. Speaker 0: Try to compete with the three of us. Speaker 0: But every once in a while, out of the blue, he would just crack Speaker 0: a joke that was so unexpected. Speaker 0: And I think that's what was really cool about my dad is those Speaker 2: Because of his sort of personality? Speaker 2: Like, all Speaker 1: those Like, he never saw it coming. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 0: He let my mom be the show. Speaker 0: He let my sister and I be the show because he was so proud Speaker 0: of us. Speaker 0: That's what his pride like, his joy was, seeing how successful Speaker 0: or or hopefully successful we would become. Speaker 0: But every once in a while, just out of the blue, we and we'd Speaker 0: be like, oh, you are alive still. Speaker 2: What Speaker 1: what's, give us an example of a zinger.

6:55 Speaker 0: It was he just kinda sat there, listened, absorbed, Speaker 0: and only really engaged and spoke when it felt right. Speaker 0: He didn't need to be the center of attention. Speaker 1: Love that. Speaker 2: Was he a fix it himself dad? Speaker 2: Was he a call the professionals dad? Speaker 2: Was he, I mean, duct tape if it's necessary? Speaker 2: What kind of, Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: My dad never fixed anything. Speaker 0: K. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: My dad was, Speaker 2: Or attempted to fix anything? Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: He knew his limits, and he knew his his his skill set. Speaker 0: Even though he owned Speaker 1: a construction company. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: But he was the CFO. Speaker 1: Okay. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: He wasn't in there fixing the vehicles. Speaker 0: Like, he couldn't well, he could he never even taught us how to drive Speaker 0: standard.

7:36 Speaker 0: Do you know what I mean? Speaker 0: And out of the construction firm back in the day, all the trucks were Speaker 0: standard. Speaker 0: But, he was a call the professional. Speaker 0: Like, he knew his limits. Speaker 0: He wasn't gonna go, like, overstep and think he could, like, accomplish something Speaker 0: where he's like, no. Speaker 0: I don't know how to change the oil. Speaker 0: And why would I? Speaker 0: My time is better spent growing the company. Speaker 0: Right. Speaker 0: Oh, it's efficiency. Speaker 0: There we go. Speaker 2: There. Speaker 2: Okay. Speaker 0: So of money. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 2: He would be like could teach you to drive standard, but that would mean, Speaker 2: I'd have less time. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 2: No. Speaker 0: He's doing the calculations. Speaker 0: He would have been dead way before now if we he taught me how Speaker 0: to drive standard because I would have murdered him. Speaker 0: So Speaker 1: so how how how did he die?

8:19 Speaker 0: So my dad went in for a routine GP Speaker 0: check, and they did a stool. Speaker 0: I guess, Speaker 2: teeth was this? Speaker 0: This was just over three years ago. Speaker 0: So it would have been three years in November. Speaker 0: Just went in for the routine check. Speaker 0: Okay. Speaker 0: And they did and I'm an oversharer, so I will provide as Speaker 0: many details as as we can. Speaker 0: But he went in, and the doctor was like, yeah. Speaker 0: You know what? Speaker 0: We should probably do a stool check. Speaker 0: There was elevated levels of blood in the stool, and so they did Speaker 0: a colonoscopy. Speaker 0: And with that colonoscopy, they found seven polyps. Speaker 0: And Speaker 0: really kinda rare, one of the polyps had melanoma.

9:00 Speaker 0: So that was the trigger. Speaker 0: He immediately got into the cancer agency and started doing the full gambit Speaker 0: of MRIs, CT scans, etcetera. Speaker 0: And the first test came back, and it was profuse like, Speaker 0: profusely throughout the whole body. Speaker 2: What age is he at this point, sorry? Speaker 0: He is seventy Speaker 0: two. Speaker 0: K. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: So it was already, throughout his body. Speaker 0: And so he we went into the Speaker 0: kinda attempted treatment phase of it. Speaker 0: But it was, like, only a small window between when he was diagnosed Speaker 0: with melanoma from the colonoscopy to when it was already Speaker 0: metastasized throughout the whole body.

9:43 Speaker 0: So How do you Speaker 1: think that short amount of time, that small window, Speaker 1: impacted you? Speaker 1: I mean, you must have been completely shocked, but also didn't really have a Speaker 1: ton of time to, Speaker 1: not prepare, but, like, just to to yeah. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: You know what? Speaker 0: You actually to be honest, it was almost a blessing to Speaker 0: because you don't start to overthink it. Speaker 0: You don't start to you kinda go into protect mode, and you Speaker 0: try to go into what's best for my dad Mhmm. Speaker 0: Rather than what's best for me at that point. Speaker 0: And I think the small window Speaker 0: is what allows you to do that rather than it being that Speaker 0: diagnosis phase being drawn out.

10:26 Speaker 0: And I would almost say, like, diagnosis phase because it wasn't a stage one, Speaker 0: right, where you're like, oh, okay. Speaker 0: How is that gonna turn out? Speaker 0: It like, it it's probably very, very curable, Speaker 0: whereas it was like, Speaker 0: I don't think I ever got really the truth from my dad fully about Speaker 0: how sick he was. Speaker 0: He was Speaker 2: keeping it from you, eventually? Speaker 0: Oh, yeah. Speaker 0: Like, we we heard stories afterwards. Speaker 0: Because we grew up in a small town, and my dad outside of Vancouver Speaker 0: in Hope, BC. Speaker 0: And so everyone knew my dad because major a good portion of the town Speaker 0: would have worked for the company that he was involved in. Speaker 0: He was head of chamber, all of that. Speaker 0: And and one person came up to my mom and was like, yeah. Speaker 0: He was complaining how he couldn't see out of his one eye, which clearly Speaker 0: is a sign that most likely the tumors are now in the brain and Speaker 0: affecting the optic nerve.

11:14 Speaker 0: He never shared that. Speaker 0: I think he hid the amount of pain he was in because he was Speaker 0: trying to protect my mom, my sister, and I from really knowing the true Speaker 0: diagnosis. Speaker 1: Does that bother you that he didn't that he kept it from you? Speaker 1: If he if he kept it from you? Speaker 0: I think it it it would have bothered me more if it was curable. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: I think if it because I could have maybe supported a bit more. Speaker 0: I think because in the end, we really had to come to the term Speaker 0: I don't think he ever came to the terms that he wouldn't be cured. Speaker 0: I came to the terms that he wouldn't be cured based on the test Speaker 0: results and and the responses to some of the therapies that we tried. Speaker 0: I think I would have been a bit more frustrated, right, if it was Speaker 0: like a stage one or a stage two where there is a really good Speaker 0: chance of survival.

12:02 Speaker 0: Because I would have been I would have tried to maybe help more. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: I would have maybe tried to support him more, whereas because I didn't really Speaker 0: know, I just did the best best I could with the information I had. Speaker 1: And and, ultimately, how did he pass? Speaker 0: It would it's actually probably one of the best ways. Speaker 0: And this is what he'll kill me if I tell it well, he'll be Speaker 2: mad that Speaker 0: I said this. Speaker 0: But he was at home, and he he hadn't didn't wanna like, Speaker 0: it wasn't at the point where he could physic like, he was still managing. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: He was still doing well. Speaker 0: He was still getting up, doing his routines, cleaning out the pool, going Speaker 0: to the mailbox. Speaker 0: And then one night, my mom actually woke up in Speaker 0: the middle of the night crying.

12:46 Speaker 0: And she's like, oh, something's not right. Speaker 0: She went back to sleep, and my dad is a routine man. Speaker 0: So he's up for breakfast having his bowl of shredded frosted shredded Speaker 0: meats, had to be frosted, every morning by Speaker 0: seven. Speaker 0: And my mom had slept in a bit, and it was eight, and he Speaker 0: wasn't up. Speaker 0: So my mom was like, uh-oh. Speaker 0: This is not good. Speaker 0: And so she went downstairs, and he had passed on the toilet Mhmm. Speaker 0: Which is not uncommon, I found out afterwards. Speaker 1: Elvis did it? Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Well, I know. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: That's kinda nice to equate my dad to Elvis. Speaker 2: You know, nothing about him said Elvis to you up until this point. Speaker 0: He was also a Exactly. Speaker 0: I know. Speaker 0: He Speaker 2: was also Speaker 1: an accountant.

13:26 Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: But, you know, what what I found out is, like, you sit on the Speaker 0: toilet and it's that pressure Yeah. Speaker 0: That kinda creates a little bit of a cardiac issue. Speaker 0: Oh, okay. Speaker 0: And it was my mom was like, he looked fine. Speaker 0: And, unfortunately, it was a power outage. Speaker 0: Like, nothing is ever easy for my family. Speaker 0: Let's get that out of the way. Speaker 0: Like, there's always drama. Speaker 0: There's always chaos when there's big events. Speaker 0: And at that time, the power was out, and the phones were down. Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: So my mom's like, I can't even phone nine one one. Speaker 0: I can't even, like so she got in her car and drove around the Speaker 0: whole town to all of her friends' houses to find which ones had power.

14:07 Speaker 0: And she finally had to drive outside of the town. Speaker 1: He was still home on the toilet. Speaker 0: He was still home at the toilet because he was a bigger man. Speaker 2: He's not going anywhere. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: He's a bigger man, and there's no way my mom would have attempted to Speaker 0: move him. Speaker 0: And, Get him in the car. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Well and he had clearly been there and had passed. Speaker 0: So there was no, like, reviving or anything. Speaker 0: And so Speaker 0: she found a house. Speaker 0: They called him back to the house. Speaker 0: And I have to say the like, the EMTs were fantastic. Speaker 0: They went and got a blanket. Speaker 0: They covered him. Speaker 0: They brought him to his bed. Speaker 0: They put him in the in the bed, got him looking comfortable, and Speaker 0: then then the coroner and everyone Speaker 2: So they placed him in Speaker 0: a more Appropriate way.

14:50 Speaker 0: And so I think that was nice for my mom because to have him Speaker 0: sitting there while she was waiting for the coroner and the person that would Speaker 0: take the body away, like Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 0: That's that's where she showers. Speaker 0: She would have to shower with them on the toilet. Speaker 2: And you said she woke up in the middle of the night crying but Speaker 2: didn't know why. Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: So just so She just had a inkling that something wasn't right. Speaker 1: How did you find out? Speaker 0: So I knew something was wrong when, Speaker 0: I people couldn't get a hold of me. Speaker 0: And so I like, they were trying my phone, and then I got a Speaker 0: weird I got a Facebook message from one of my mom's friends Speaker 0: saying, hey. Speaker 0: Can you call your mom?

15:30 Speaker 0: And that's when I had found out. Speaker 0: So I was in Saskatoon. Speaker 0: They were in Hope. Speaker 0: So Speaker 1: And what well, like, what stands out to you in that moment that you Speaker 1: look back and kind of always remember when you first heard your dad had Speaker 1: died? Speaker 0: I think there was a sense of being numb. Speaker 0: Mhmm. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: And I didn't and I I think what we have to also Speaker 0: kinda mention is it was eighteen months from diagnosis Speaker 0: to when my dad passed. Speaker 2: So you'd spent some time It was a considering these sort of scenarios. Speaker 2: Maybe not this exact one. Speaker 2: No. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 2: But something like Speaker 0: this. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: And it was a process. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: Because he was doing immunotherapies. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: And, like, there was even the points where, Speaker 0: if you know, depending on where you're listening from, the town of Speaker 0: Hope was, Speaker 0: stuck and surrounded by mudslides and landslides.

16:22 Speaker 0: All the highways in and out of the town were closed, due to Speaker 0: the weather conditions, and my dad was still still doing medical treatments Speaker 0: and immunotherapies. Speaker 0: And so Speaker 0: those were the things that I was thinking about is, like, were all these Speaker 0: factors of him not being able to get treatment or get there in time? Speaker 0: Like, could we have delayed it? Speaker 0: Could we postponed it? Speaker 0: I should have been there more. Speaker 0: I thought I had more time. Speaker 0: Those were the questions that were going through my head were like and then Speaker 0: I was like, oh my god. Speaker 0: How am I gonna I'm in Saskatoon. Speaker 0: I need to get home, and I couldn't get home for almost a week Speaker 0: just because of the the weather conditions and flights.

17:03 Speaker 0: So I kinda went more less into, like, what am I feeling? Speaker 0: What are my emotions? Speaker 0: Because I remember the one thing my dad said to me. Speaker 0: We went for a beer and hope at the a cool little local brewery, Speaker 0: just my sister, my dad, and myself. Speaker 0: And he said, the one thing I need you to do is take care Speaker 0: of your mom. Speaker 0: And I'm sitting there going, Jesus Christ. Speaker 0: I can't even get home. Speaker 0: How am I gonna take care of my mom? Speaker 0: Because my sister's in Calgary. Speaker 0: She can't even get home right now. Speaker 0: So she was actually able to get a last minute flight into Abbotsford, get Speaker 0: there within a day. Speaker 0: It took me about five, six days to get home. Speaker 1: In those five or six days, was there anybody that showed up that that Speaker 1: you just never would have expected that that supported you?

17:45 Speaker 0: I think my family rallied around me. Speaker 0: My husband was very supportive. Speaker 0: My in laws in Victoria were very supportive in Speaker 0: their family. Speaker 0: And so I my brother-in-law out of Toronto Speaker 0: by marriage also had his father pass away. Speaker 0: He was a great resource, as well. Speaker 0: So it was more the, like, the inner circle, let's call it, Speaker 0: more so than new faces or old friends. Speaker 0: But I had great messages. Speaker 0: My dad was a known person in the town. Speaker 0: Like, people knew him. Speaker 0: So, like, out of the blue, I think, you know, you get the nice Speaker 0: messages and memories and shared and and whatnot.

18:29 Speaker 0: So Speaker 2: I so I'm just putting myself in your shoes here. Speaker 2: So you're you're not able to come and take care of your mom, and Speaker 2: you're not able to actually step into this position that he had asked you Speaker 2: to. Speaker 2: But then at some point, you are. Speaker 2: So you arrive on the scene. Speaker 2: Are you are you trying to catch up? Speaker 2: What's what's the mentality of you coming into this scene hot, I guess, Speaker 2: but the you're now five days past when you'd ideally want? Speaker 2: Are you starting the planning, clipboard in hand? Speaker 2: Or who's Speaker 0: who's Blair when you have something? Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: I'm a little bit neurotic. Speaker 0: I think the first thing is we kinda celebrated. Speaker 0: We took the moment to actually allow ourselves to be in Speaker 0: shock, Speaker 0: to grieve, to remember some of the funny things.

19:11 Speaker 0: Like, I remember, like, during this process, my dad would be like, Speaker 0: oh, my iPad's cracked. Speaker 0: And my mom's like, well, just buy another fucking iPad. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: And he's like, well, what's the point? Speaker 0: Because he's gonna be dead in a couple months. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: Same with his bed. Speaker 0: She's like, buy a new bed. Speaker 0: He's like, well, what's the point? Speaker 0: That's the morbidness. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: He's like, there's no point. Speaker 0: He's like, I can last another couple months on this bed. Speaker 0: Like, jeez. Speaker 0: And my mom was like, what so we we had moments where we, like, Speaker 0: celebrated those and remembered. Speaker 0: But then I I went into my, like, my neurotic, okay, what's Speaker 0: next steps? Speaker 0: We need to go down to the funeral home.

19:51 Speaker 0: We need to figure out, are we doing Speaker 0: are we going to, Speaker 0: appease him and not do a funeral? Speaker 0: Or Oh, that was suspicious? Speaker 0: He did not want anything. Speaker 0: Do we? Speaker 0: Do we not? Speaker 0: Is that good for him if we do it? Speaker 0: Is it better for us if we do it? Speaker 0: What do we want to do? Speaker 1: What what do you factor in when you think about is it better for Speaker 1: us? Speaker 0: Well, I factored in the fact that he was dead. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: So so it's like So his opinion? Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: If we do it or we don't, really, does it matter? Speaker 1: What's he gonna do? Speaker 0: Matter to him. Speaker 0: What is he gonna do from, like, whatever you believe in above, he's gonna, Speaker 0: like, strike me down? Speaker 0: And when you say funeral, Speaker 1: are you talking about, like, he didn't want a religious funeral?

20:32 Speaker 1: No. Speaker 1: He just didn't want any sort Speaker 0: of He didn't want anything. Speaker 0: He just wanted to go into the abyss and and be that. Speaker 0: And And in the end, we were like, you know what? Speaker 0: We're gonna do something small. Speaker 0: We just did it at our house. Speaker 0: My husband is known for PowerPoint presentations. Speaker 0: So he did an incredible PowerPoint, which we just had on the TV. Speaker 0: My dad was a world traveler. Speaker 0: I think that's one thing we miss talking about him. Speaker 0: He loved to travel. Speaker 0: And he traveled the world because even when I found out that he didn't Speaker 0: have long to live, I said, what's your bucket list? Speaker 0: What are we gonna do? Speaker 0: And so he was like, I don't care. Speaker 0: He's like, I don't wanna do anything. Speaker 0: I've traveled the world. Speaker 0: I've been everywhere that I want to go.

21:12 Speaker 0: I want to just enjoy my oasis of my house and backyard. Speaker 0: I'm like, fair. Speaker 0: So we had an incredible PowerPoint because there was, like, trips to Egypt, Asia, Speaker 0: Australia, and we're talking, like, big trips. Speaker 0: So it was kinda nice that everyone was able to gather around Speaker 0: those photos. Speaker 0: And it was just it wasn't like a big thing where we invited Speaker 0: a million people. Speaker 0: It was really just some of his work colleagues that knew him, family Speaker 0: that knew him. Speaker 0: And I think it was good for all of us, even though he didn't Speaker 0: want it. Speaker 2: Did you ever travel with him? Speaker 0: Yes. Speaker 0: So we actually traveled quite a bit together. Speaker 0: But our biggest trip was, Speaker 0: when I was done my first degree and moving into a second.

21:56 Speaker 0: Also, my dad didn't care what I did. Speaker 0: He was like, you are my my sister will agree with this golden child. Speaker 0: And he supported me no matter how crazy I was. Speaker 0: And so I he I had done a trip with my mom to Speaker 0: London and Paris when I was traveling the world. Speaker 0: And I said to him I said, I wanna do a trip with you. Speaker 0: And one of the things, he had been to Africa but hadn't seen all Speaker 0: the big five. Speaker 0: So we actually did a trip to Kenya, Kenya Speaker 0: actually did a trip to Kenya, Kenya and Tanzania together, a big Speaker 0: safari. Speaker 0: I'm big into mountains and climbing, and he surprised me with, Speaker 0: a hike. Speaker 0: He my dad didn't do it. Speaker 0: Let's preface that, to climb Kilimanjaro.

22:37 Speaker 0: And that was just a really kinda one, I wish he would have told Speaker 0: me so I could have trained. Speaker 0: But, yeah, it was such a great trip for us to have those memories. Speaker 0: And I just remember one time, we were sitting in the lodge drinking gin Speaker 0: and tonics, because gin and tonics supposedly help with the mosquitoes. Speaker 0: Because the, we thought the gin had the quinine, Speaker 0: the the stuff for the malaria pills. Speaker 0: And it's not the gin. Speaker 0: It's the tonic. Speaker 0: And so we were drinking triple gins with a splash of tonic Speaker 0: and absolutely got plastered. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: But we were like, we're saving Speaker 2: ourselves for our the mosquito.

23:17 Speaker 2: The elevation. Speaker 0: And we never got malaria. Speaker 0: So, really, it's like Speaker 1: And we forgot to climb the mountain. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: That was prior to the mountain, and I didn't make it. Speaker 0: And I think what was really cool is in my dad's bedroom, he had Speaker 0: a blown up picture of my cell on the top of Kilimanjaro. Speaker 0: So yeah. Speaker 0: So he was always very, yeah, a world traveler and instilled Speaker 0: that in us. Speaker 1: So Blair, how how are you how are you doing with your dad's passing Speaker 1: now? Speaker 1: It's I mean, it's been three years. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: It took it for me, it took a long time because I think Speaker 0: the first six months to the year was really supporting my mom. Speaker 0: Funny enough, my mom, she didn't even know how to pump gas.

24:00 Speaker 0: My dad always had her car filled. Speaker 1: It's always a stereotypical question of, like Yeah. Speaker 0: My mom was a brilliant woman. Speaker 0: She ran a successful company, clothing company. Speaker 0: She was a teacher by trade, very, very successful, but my my dad Speaker 0: treated her like a a princess. Speaker 0: So she's like, I never had to pump gas. Speaker 0: She's like, it was always just full. Speaker 0: And I'm like, oh, that must be nice. Speaker 0: So I think we we had a lot to do as much as my Speaker 0: dad said he combined the and maybe that's a bit of advice is Speaker 0: no matter if you have time or not in the passing of your parent, Speaker 0: never trust them by what they're saying. Speaker 0: Dig a little bit deeper because he's like, oh, I've I've cleaned up all Speaker 0: my finances, and I've cleaned up all the passwords to all the different accounts Speaker 0: that he has.

24:46 Speaker 0: And to be honest, no. Speaker 0: And it was a and I should have sat down with him and done Speaker 0: a spreadsheet because he was an old school accountant with Speaker 0: paper and notes and password on this random piece of paper. Speaker 0: So I didn't even know we couldn't even go through his files because we Speaker 0: didn't even know what we could throw out and what we had to save Speaker 0: because god knows it probably had some important password on it. Speaker 0: So I think that's, for me, one of the thing the first year was Speaker 0: a bit of cleanup. Speaker 0: And luckily, my mom's my dad's pension transferred to my mom, Speaker 0: and we were able to like, all those things got tidied up pretty quickly. Speaker 0: But personally, it took a huge toll on my mental health and my physical Speaker 0: health, to the point where I actually I dropped drastic Speaker 0: weight, stopped eating, tried to go back to work, and Speaker 0: I was and work was my outlet.

25:39 Speaker 0: But what I realized was everything else was falling apart around me. Speaker 0: Like, I could go to work, do my job, do it well, and succeed, Speaker 0: but then I was taking it out on my family. Speaker 0: I was taking it out on my mom. Speaker 0: I was taking it out on my sister. Speaker 0: And it wasn't until I kinda had this and I was a partner at Speaker 0: the company, so I had that added pressure to make sure the my business Speaker 0: was successful. Speaker 0: And so I had this wake up call, and I said, I need to Speaker 0: leave as partner, and I need time. Speaker 0: And luckily for me, the company, LMNO, and the other partners Speaker 0: were so supportive in that. Speaker 0: So I actually sold my partnership, stayed on in my current role.

26:20 Speaker 0: And I took a month off with my family, and we just Speaker 0: lived and took care of myself and kind of figure out Speaker 0: what it looked like next. Speaker 2: Why do you think you were driving yourself so hard? Speaker 2: I don't know if that's ever like, you you sound like I don't know Speaker 2: what the expression, like, the devil was at your back. Speaker 2: Like, you're cognizant. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 2: I'm pushing myself hard. Speaker 2: I'm making myself. Speaker 2: As a part of you asked, am I trying to bring him back, or Speaker 2: am I trying to am I trying to Prove something? Speaker 2: Prove something? Speaker 2: Like, is there a part of you that's questioning what what put Speaker 2: me into this state? Speaker 2: And, thankfully, a state that you're no longer in and you pulled yourself out Speaker 2: of. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 2: That that instigation.

27:01 Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: I think for me, my dad was my go to. Speaker 0: I think people would find it really weird that I talked to my parents Speaker 0: almost daily or did. Speaker 0: I I still talk to my mom probably. Speaker 0: Like, if I don't call her for a couple days, she's like, where were Speaker 0: you? Speaker 0: But with my dad, I called him for everything, every advice. Speaker 0: Not necessarily always looking for advice, but looking for his Speaker 0: thoughts because he was such a a successful, supportive Speaker 0: dad. Speaker 0: I was very fortunate that way. Speaker 0: I didn't have that anymore. Speaker 0: So what I tried to do was fill it by perseverance and success Speaker 0: to say, I don't need them. Speaker 0: I can do this on my own, and I will drive myself into my Speaker 0: grave trying to achieve this success, Speaker 0: where it was totally counterintuitive to what actually was happening.

27:52 Speaker 0: And I was holding it to get and that's the other thing is, like, Speaker 0: you know, I think family saw it, but worked in it because I I Speaker 0: would never I held it together so well at work. Speaker 0: And then I think when I would get home, I would just it would Speaker 0: decompress. Speaker 1: And was there, like, a rock bottom moment, or, you know, was there a Speaker 1: big blow up of some sort? Speaker 1: Or did it Speaker 0: I think for me is when I realized I hadn't eaten anything in probably, Speaker 0: like, forty eight hours. Speaker 0: I was feeling it was a another control aspect. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: I was like, oh, I don't need to eat. Speaker 0: I'm not I'm good. Speaker 0: I you know what? Speaker 0: Things I've gotta get done. Speaker 0: I Speaker 2: don't know. Speaker 0: I got things I gotta get done. Speaker 0: I gotta think about things I gotta keep moving.

28:34 Speaker 0: I just didn't look healthy, and I clearly wasn't happy. Speaker 0: And I think that was a bit of a you know, I don't think Speaker 0: everyone has that ability to have that wake up call themselves. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: And I and I wouldn't necessarily say it was rock bottom, but I clearly Speaker 0: was in a you know, and at that point, I was seeing a doctor. Speaker 0: I was she's like, definitely burnout is a diagnosis we Speaker 0: have for you. Speaker 0: I think that's another thing is people just it's easier to fill the void Speaker 0: than it is to try to deal with whatever emotions that you're dealing with Speaker 0: with the pain. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Hundred percent. Speaker 0: So I was dealing with her. Speaker 0: I was on antidepressants, and I think that's the other thing is, like, Speaker 0: people have to be open to seeking help.

29:21 Speaker 0: But more importantly, Speaker 0: you can't seek help unless you're open to talking about it. Speaker 0: And I wasn't open to talking about it Speaker 0: right away. Speaker 0: It took me a little bit of time to get there. Speaker 0: So Speaker 1: So you said that your dad was your go to. Speaker 1: Is there anything, like, is there anything right now that you just you can't Speaker 1: go to anybody else except him that you just wish he was here to Speaker 1: help solve or you could bounce off him? Speaker 1: Or Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Like, to be honest, everything. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: Like, I miss that. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: I miss that connection that I had with him. Speaker 2: Like because they have to give you advice anyway. Speaker 2: Right? Speaker 2: They do.

30:01 Speaker 2: They have to answer the phone. Speaker 2: It. Speaker 0: And I I think in a way, it was to help me to give Speaker 0: me the strength to be you know what? Speaker 0: I am on the right path. Speaker 0: Like, even with the move to Vancouver, Speaker 0: right, it's a big financial burden to move to one of the most expensive Speaker 0: cities in the world, from Saskatoon, particularly. Speaker 0: You know, I had done spreadsheets of going financially, can we make this work? Speaker 2: Oh, he must have loved that. Speaker 1: Well, he Speaker 0: wasn't alive at all. Speaker 0: Geez, Scott. Speaker 0: Rub it rub it out. Speaker 0: That. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 2: He must have loved that. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 2: That's what I meant. Speaker 2: I was about to go up. Speaker 2: But yes. Speaker 0: No. Speaker 0: But, like, but it was so nice because I we met with our Speaker 0: accountant because my husband and I were both incorporated.

30:44 Speaker 0: So we have an accountant, and he ran my numbers. Speaker 0: And I was off by four grand. Speaker 0: And we're not talking small numbers. Speaker 0: So I'm like, you know what? Speaker 0: Fuck yeah. Speaker 0: I was like, my dad would be proud. Speaker 0: I did it on my own, but I still wish I could have, like, Speaker 0: confirmed with him that I was. Speaker 0: Those are the things that I miss. Speaker 0: Because whenever I had to make a big life decision, I always went to Speaker 0: him. Speaker 1: Well, your parents are your life preserver in a lot of ways. Speaker 1: And you don't always need that life preserver, but you you wanna know it's Speaker 1: there. Speaker 1: It's kinda like a or a smoke detector, you know, anything that's gonna keep Speaker 1: you alive. Speaker 0: And he was so pragmatic. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: Like, he was a matter of fact. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: He would just lay it out. Speaker 0: There was no, like, sugarcoating. Speaker 0: There was no, like, appeasing me because he knew he I was gonna do Speaker 0: it anyways.

31:26 Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: But he would just say, well, here's the pros and cons, and here's what Speaker 0: you need to think about. Speaker 0: Because if I wanted crazy advice, I'd go to my mom. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 1: So where how does grief show up for you now? Speaker 1: Like, it like, what how does it manifest? Speaker 0: I've kinda rethought grief in a way is to manifest Speaker 0: memories and moments that remind me of my dad. Speaker 1: What are some examples of of those? Speaker 0: I think one thing is so after my dad passed, Speaker 0: my mom and I were talking. Speaker 0: And she's like, god. Speaker 0: Every time I go in the backyard, there's these Blue Jays, and they're so Speaker 0: annoying. Speaker 0: They're just sitting on the roof of the gazebo, like, cawing Speaker 0: at me.

32:08 Speaker 0: Like and I'm like, well, mom, you do realize what that Speaker 0: bag of peanuts is in the garage. Speaker 0: Dad would go out and feed these Blue Jays every day. Speaker 0: I was like and my parents, like, bickered. Speaker 0: It was quite funny. Speaker 0: I was like, and this is now his way of punishing you since his Speaker 0: passing to continue the bickering between the two of you. Speaker 0: So what's really cool is that blue jay has become a symbol for Speaker 0: my dad. Speaker 0: And it was an interesting process for me because I I had at the Speaker 0: time, my son was five or just under five. Speaker 0: So he's at the stage where he understood what was going on. Speaker 0: And he an and he even brings up moments that he's sad about my Speaker 0: my dad passing.

32:53 Speaker 0: But what's really cool is this whenever we see a Bluejay, he Speaker 0: goes, oh, it's papa Bob. Speaker 0: He's here with us. Speaker 0: So it's it's changing those moments of where it's sad Speaker 0: that he's not here Yeah. Speaker 0: Into something where it's more magical that he is Speaker 0: here. Speaker 0: And I think that's a way that I'm gonna keep his legacy alive Speaker 0: with my son who doesn't have that connection with him to that level. Speaker 0: So whenever we see a Blue Jay, it's like, there's dad. Speaker 0: He's watching. Speaker 0: He's here. Speaker 2: I think that's the thing that I'm always interested in is how people keep Speaker 2: their dads around. Speaker 2: What like, do you celebrate on his birthday?

33:34 Speaker 2: Do you find a thing that he loved and try to do that with Speaker 2: your kids? Speaker 0: I don't choose specific days. Speaker 0: Even this year, his the day of his passing, I didn't Speaker 0: even I didn't even remember. Speaker 0: And not in a bad way, but I was like, I have so many Speaker 0: other positive things to remember him about. Speaker 0: I don't need a day of mourning for him. Speaker 0: I need a I need days of remembering and celebration. Speaker 2: I've set myself a particular challenge because, I've told my kids that Speaker 2: we can go to Dairy Queen because that was his favorite dessert. Speaker 2: And so they are like, hey. Speaker 2: Is it his, anniversary's death? Speaker 2: We wanna get to Dairy Queen. Speaker 2: I I feel like even if I wanna forget, I've now put myself into Speaker 2: a scenario where it's no longer possible.

34:19 Speaker 0: Can't go wrong with Dairy Queen, though. Speaker 1: How do you think losing your dad has has taught you about being a Speaker 1: parent? Speaker 0: I think it's to appreciate time. Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: I have even, since the move to Vancouver, reduced my work week, so I Speaker 0: only work nine to three, again, thanks to my job and Speaker 0: then being supportive. Speaker 0: So I I try to be more present and more involved Speaker 0: and more active. Speaker 0: I take him to all his activities, soccer games, and I think Speaker 0: it's to as much as Speaker 0: he frustrates me, my son, and drives me nuts, Speaker 0: I think it's just being a lot more present. Speaker 0: You you can't get time back.

35:00 Speaker 0: Right? Speaker 0: That's probably my biggest regret with his passing is during that Speaker 0: time of diagnosis to his passing, I should have made time. Speaker 0: I always found an excuse not to go back. Speaker 0: Now we were always on the phone, and we were always in contact, but Speaker 0: that's just a different experience than actually physically being there with him. Speaker 0: That is literally my only regret of my whole life with my dad, Speaker 0: is that eighteen months that I didn't make a better effort to go Speaker 0: home. Speaker 0: And I think that will be I'll carry that with me in a good Speaker 0: way to say, hey. Speaker 0: I'm gonna make the effort for my son. Speaker 0: I'm gonna make the effort for my sister, for my mom.

35:41 Speaker 0: I'm going up to visit my mom this weekend just for the night with Speaker 0: my son, because I haven't seen her enough. Speaker 0: So I'm making the effort, and that's that's what we'll continue to Speaker 2: do. Speaker 2: I wanna ask, what about the first time that Ollie presents you, with Speaker 2: a spreadsheet on why you should buy him a new, dragon three d dragon Speaker 2: toy? Speaker 2: When's that coming? Speaker 2: I'm What's that moment gonna look like? Speaker 2: When he lays those numbers out for you and there's no Speaker 1: Or will it be a PowerPoint? Speaker 2: I mean, it's it's hard to say. Speaker 1: He can Speaker 2: he can amalgamate both of your strengths. Speaker 2: You got a real winner on your hands here. Speaker 0: I wish that was the case. Speaker 0: My kid is a live in the moment Speaker 0: crazy kid. Speaker 0: I will be floored if he comes with a spreadsheet.

36:24 Speaker 0: It's coming. Speaker 0: Okay. Speaker 0: Yeah. Speaker 0: I can feel it. Speaker 0: I'll hold you to that, but I just I don't know if he's that Speaker 0: kid. Speaker 0: He's he's genius well, I think, genius in other ways. Speaker 0: But spreadsheets and accounting, we have a ways to go. Speaker 2: Blair, thanks so much for everything. Speaker 2: I just wanna ask you this one last question. Speaker 2: If you could share with somebody who's, you know, just even day one, Speaker 2: they've just lost their dad, and they're just trying to kinda put themselves together, Speaker 2: what's something that you could you could tell them maybe to make them feel Speaker 2: to reassure them or help feel a sense of what's coming? Speaker 0: I think what I would recommend is you need to find your person. Speaker 0: You need to find the person that you can talk to because that is Speaker 0: gonna be crucial to you getting through this period in your life.

37:09 Speaker 0: And you need that person to be really receptive to you just Speaker 0: venting, talking at them, and listening. Speaker 0: And I think if you can find that person that's going to allow Speaker 0: you to do that, that's gonna help you kinda Speaker 0: navigate this roller coaster of emotions and events Speaker 0: that are gonna be happening. Speaker 0: So that maybe would be the advice. Speaker 2: And good wine. Speaker 0: And good wine. Speaker 0: Always good wine and a good spreadsheet. Speaker 2: I I wanna first say thanks. Speaker 2: I wanna say thanks for you for taking us inside your life, talking to Speaker 2: us, getting to know everything about how your dad passed, Speaker 2: his life. Speaker 2: I've relearned the value of a good spreadsheet.

37:52 Speaker 2: I feel like that has been an intrinsic lesson of this. Speaker 0: He'll be proud. Speaker 2: He'll be so proud of that. Speaker 2: And I have learned I've learned so much about the ability to to challenge Speaker 2: yourself. Speaker 2: And I have, oddly, your husband in this now with PowerPoints. Speaker 2: I feel like the next sponsor for this is either Microsoft Office or something Speaker 2: like that, because I feel like Speaker 1: Feels natural. Speaker 2: That's where it's coming from. Speaker 2: So Yeah. Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Speaker 0: Blair. Speaker 0: Thank you Speaker 1: so much for coming in and sharing. Speaker 1: Awesome. Speaker 1: Thank you. Speaker 1: Thank you. Speaker 1: It's a weird, sad, funny pie, but we're here to help you laugh. Speaker 1: It's the dead dad's podcast.