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Podchaser 
iHeartRadio We Hadn't Spoken in 6 Weeks. Then My Dad Died by Suicide.
Key Takeaways
- Scott Panov opens up about navigating suicide loss after his father Nikolai died in 2023 following a six-week period of not speaking.
- The episode provides language for processing the heavy guilt and unanswered questions that frequently accompany losing a loved one to suicide.
- Listeners learn why asking for help immediately is crucial, and how trauma therapy can shift a man's perspective on vulnerability and strength.
- Scott discusses the three distinct paths grief can present: falling apart, white-knuckling it, or using the experience for healing and advocacy.
- The conversation highlights practical ways to keep a father's memory alive, from purchasing records on his birthday to talking openly about emotion.
🎧 In this episode, you'll get:
- Language for the guilt that can follow suicide loss
- Permission to stop chasing an answer you may never get
- A reason to ask for help before you think you “need” it
- A better way to think about therapy when the first person isn't the right fit
- A frame for the three paths grief can put in front of you: fall apart, white-knuckle it, or use it
- Permission to cry, talk about your dad, and stop treating emotion like weakness
- Ideas for keeping your dad present through music, traditions, and rituals
Scott Panov never imagined his dad would die by suicide.
They hadn't spoken for six weeks after a family disagreement. After his dad died, Scott was left with guilt, anger, and questions he knew might never be answered.
That night, he asked for help.
This one's about suicide loss, therapy, letting go of blame, and realizing the dad you thought was superhuman was human too.
👨 Meet Scott Panov
Scott is a son, father, hockey coach, artist, and advocate for men's mental health.
After his dad Nikolai died by suicide in 2023, Scott sought trauma therapy and grief counselling. It changed how he thought about strength.
Instead of carrying everything alone, he started talking, asking for help, sharing how he felt, and supporting other men who were struggling.
⏱️ Episode chapters
00:00 — “I never would've seen it coming”
01:00 — Welcome Scott Panov
02:50 — Meet Nikolai
04:30 — Measuring yourself against your father
07:00 — Dad and Splash Mountain
10:15 — Men who weren't taught to talk
10:55 — August 24, 2023
11:40 — The phone call from Mom
12:50 — The signs nobody understood
14:35 — We hadn't spoken for six weeks
16:00 — Telling his kids
17:45 — His superhuman dad was human
18:30 — The backpack full of rocks
18:55 — Searching for a reason
19:20 — Asking for help that night
22:00 — Trauma therapy
23:15 — The three paths after trauma
24:45 — Making emotion a superpower
25:30 — Finding the right therapist
29:00 — Becoming kinder to himself
30:00 — Men's mental health
31:50 — Buying Dad records every birthday
34:30 — Where his grief is now
36:00 — “I miss my dad”
37:00 — Scott's advice to other men
Meet another guy in the club:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yutMlctDGYE
🖤 About Dead Dads
Dead Dads is a podcast for men figuring out life after losing their dad.
Hosted by Roger Nairn and Scott Cunningham, the show features honest conversations about father loss, grief, identity, family, memory, masculinity, and everything that happens after your dad dies.
No grief brochure voice. No tidy healing arc.
You're not alone.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, reach out for help. In Canada and the U.S., call or text 988.
☕ Support the show:
https://buymeacoffee.com/deaddadspodcast
Website:
https://www.deaddadspodcast.com/
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/deaddadspodcast/
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@dead.dads.podcast
Substack:
https://substack.com/@deaddadspodcast
New episodes every week.
Produced with the support of JAR Podcast Solutions:
Frequently Asked Questions
Who is Scott Panov and what is his story?
Scott Panov is a father, hockey coach, artist, and men's mental health advocate whose father, Nikolai, died by suicide in 2023 after a six-week family disagreement.
How can you deal with guilt after suicide loss?
This episode explores ways to release the blame and white-knuckling grip on unanswered questions, encouraging men to treat emotion as a superpower rather than a weakness.
What are the three paths of grief discussed in the episode?
When faced with trauma and loss, grief generally offers three paths: falling apart, trying to white-knuckle through it, or using the experience to seek help and grow.