The Fish Died. Here's What I Should Have Said
Key Takeaways
- When figuring out how to talk to kids about death, always use direct words like "died" instead of euphemisms like "passed away" or "went to sleep."
- Using soft language to protect children from the reality of death usually backfires because kids will fill in the gaps with stories much scarier than the truth.
- Thanatologist Dr. Korie Leigh explains the two-conversation method, which helps separate biological facts from spiritual beliefs when explaining loss to a child.
- The famous five stages of grief are actually a myth and do not accurately reflect how people, or children, process the loss of a loved one.
- Dr. Korie Leigh shares the single most important sentence you should say to a child immediately after someone dies.
This episode is for anyone who has kids. If you've ever frozen when your kid asked where grandpa went, start here.
Dr. Korie Leigh is a thanatologist — a grief scientist. She told us the exact words to use. And the word is "died." Not "passed away." Not "went to sleep." Most of us use soft language to protect kids from death. Dr. Korie's research says that backfires — hard. Kids fill gaps with stories scarier than the truth.
We cover the fish story, the fence story, why the five stages of grief aren't real, the two-conversation method for separating biology from belief, how to explain cremation to a child, and the single most important sentence to say after someone dies.
Meet Dr. Korie Leigh
Dr. Korie Leigh studies death, dying, grief, and loss for a living. She teaches it at the university level, sees kids and families in her clinical practice, trains hospices and schools, and wrote When Everything Changes — a book that takes all that knowledge and makes it usable for real families at the worst possible moment. She's also the first expert we've ever had on the show. We're trying to behave.
When Everything Changes: mcnallyrobinson.com
Next in the club: Matty Woods on his dad's funeral, which had only two rules. Listen now
About Dead Dads
Honest conversations about losing your dad. Hosted by Roger Nairn and Scott Cunningham. No grief brochure voice. No tidy healing arc. Just real talk for guys figuring it out. deaddadspodcast.com
Instagram: @deaddadspodcast
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Frequently Asked Questions
How do you explain death to a child without using euphemisms?
You should use direct, concrete language and avoid phrases like "went to sleep" or "passed away." Thanatologist Dr. Korie Leigh stresses that using the actual word "died" prevents kids from developing terrifying misunderstandings.
What is the two-conversation method for talking to kids about death?
The two-conversation method is a strategy that separates biological facts from spiritual or religious beliefs. It ensures children clearly understand the physical reality of death before introducing abstract concepts about the afterlife.
Why shouldn't you tell a child that someone who died "went to sleep"?
Saying someone went to sleep can cause children to develop severe anxiety about going to sleep themselves, fearing they or their loved ones won't wake up.